Sara was providing childcare so that my very shy self could have my husband with me while I went to check out the college (GASP!). We have found a really neat government program that will pay for my course (anything under a year) and give us a living allowance every month as well! I am seriously considering going back to school this fall (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit). I have really mixed feelings about it and mostly it is just my low self-esteem getting in my mind. I am worried about driving every day, leaving my kids, doing well in school, etc. I kind of grew up feeling like I wasn't good at anything and like I wasn't one of those people who could have dreams and make them come true. Seriously, I am not looking for sympathy-so don't bother offering it. This is a blog and it is as much for me to get my feelings out as it is for entertainment on your part. I guess what I'm saying is, "Don't tell me I am not allowed to feel this way or that I am silly for having these feelings." I have lived a life with lots of people who roll their eyes at me and tell me I "shouldn't" or "can't possibly" be feeling a certain way. Well, my feelings are my own and they are really how I feel-I don't know how else to put it. I realize that I am sounding like a crazy person but I just feel frustrated today. I thought I would walk into the college feeling all mature and self confident, like I could actually go through with it and INSTEAD, walked in feeling like a shy, nervous, self-doubting individual. ANNOYING. I am so tired of letting my fears hold me back in life. I don't want to be someone who lets fear dictate her life. I want my dreams and hope to dictate my life. Ok, that is it-I am making a conscious choice to quit living in fear. I am going to have dreams again and by golly, I will do whatever it takes to make those dreams a reality!!! Whether it is going to the college in the fall or getting some other course under my belt or travelling to places I want to go, etc....I am just going to DO IT! Phew, that was exhausting. Thanks for listening. :) :) :)
Thursday, June 10, 2010
To be or not to be....that is the question!
Today was a FULL day. It consisted of lots of different things-some fun and some not so fun. Lucky for the boys, they were able to play with Auntie Sara and Theran. They had the funnest time, with one adventure after another. They got to go for a walk in the "big city", buy a treat, eat perogies, paint pictures and watch a movie!!!! Ummm-why can't I have an Auntie Sara? :)
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6 comments:
Sarah, you are such an inspiration to me!
And if you do decide to go back to school in the fall, I think you will really like it. Being in school as an adult is MUCH better than being in school as a kid. Good luck with whatever you decide! Love ya!
Thanks, I might be asking for lots of advice! Lol. There is something so intimidating about it when you have been gone so long... Love you too!
i luv it! and i know exactly how you feel...i get very intimidated by ppl who are skinnier, prettier or put "more together" it's so dumb but thats me lol....anyways school is WAAAY different when your an adult and you actually care about what your doing, so i think you'll do GREAT! what are you thinking of taking??
I want to do the 1 yr. Early Childhood Education certificate! I am thinking also of the Health Care Aide course or a business administration course...
Sarah, I remember feeling the same way when I went back and finished my teaching degree. Sick to my stomach and no self esteem were common feelings. I had four kids (sound familiar?) under the age of 6. I found, for myself i had to fake it a bit, until I got my first test results and then I really enjoyed it.
You have a right to your feelings...they are real...but trying new things WILL give you confidence. Weird but true! I believe in you and that you will choose to do it when you feel right about it!
Sarah, After everything you have done for others you can do this for yourself! You will be an awesome student, just like you are an awesome wife, mother and niece. Sending you much love, and whatever confidence you need! Love you!
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