Thursday, June 10, 2010
To be or not to be....that is the question!
Today was a FULL day. It consisted of lots of different things-some fun and some not so fun. Lucky for the boys, they were able to play with Auntie Sara and Theran. They had the funnest time, with one adventure after another. They got to go for a walk in the "big city", buy a treat, eat perogies, paint pictures and watch a movie!!!! Ummm-why can't I have an Auntie Sara? :)
Sara was providing childcare so that my very shy self could have my husband with me while I went to check out the college (GASP!). We have found a really neat government program that will pay for my course (anything under a year) and give us a living allowance every month as well! I am seriously considering going back to school this fall (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit). I have really mixed feelings about it and mostly it is just my low self-esteem getting in my mind. I am worried about driving every day, leaving my kids, doing well in school, etc. I kind of grew up feeling like I wasn't good at anything and like I wasn't one of those people who could have dreams and make them come true. Seriously, I am not looking for sympathy-so don't bother offering it. This is a blog and it is as much for me to get my feelings out as it is for entertainment on your part. I guess what I'm saying is, "Don't tell me I am not allowed to feel this way or that I am silly for having these feelings." I have lived a life with lots of people who roll their eyes at me and tell me I "shouldn't" or "can't possibly" be feeling a certain way. Well, my feelings are my own and they are really how I feel-I don't know how else to put it. I realize that I am sounding like a crazy person but I just feel frustrated today. I thought I would walk into the college feeling all mature and self confident, like I could actually go through with it and INSTEAD, walked in feeling like a shy, nervous, self-doubting individual. ANNOYING. I am so tired of letting my fears hold me back in life. I don't want to be someone who lets fear dictate her life. I want my dreams and hope to dictate my life. Ok, that is it-I am making a conscious choice to quit living in fear. I am going to have dreams again and by golly, I will do whatever it takes to make those dreams a reality!!! Whether it is going to the college in the fall or getting some other course under my belt or travelling to places I want to go, etc....I am just going to DO IT! Phew, that was exhausting. Thanks for listening. :) :) :)
Posted by Prete Family at 8:21 PM